I Dont Want To Know Its Over.

Lately its felt like I need to write but everytime I sit down to start writing about anything, I get clammed up. I guess its because everything I write lately reminds me of how life should be and how its everything my life isnt right now. People keep trying to talk to me and find out whats going on. They dont seem to understand that I CANT TELL THEM! And I cant tell them why I cant tell them either.... So now I'm coming across as something I'm not. I'm just happy that I finally will have a chance to start over. I get a second chance.
But I kind of wish that I could erase a lot of whats happen.
Especially him.
Mainly him.

Hate That I Love You

I dont think I'll ever admit it to anyone outloud, but I think I've given up on love.... I mean I still have hope for it but deep down I think Im just going to end up like my mother or anyone else in my family. Ive already had my heart broken once. It hurt so bad and even though things with him are better, it still hurts. I cant trust him anymre. I question everything he says to me and every action he makes. Every day I waste it thinking "Is today the day he is going to break up with me again?". I'm building up this wall around myself. Im trying to protect myself from him.... I dont tell him many things anymore. He has hurt me too much. I still love him all the same. It hurts so much. I cant eat cause I'm always worried that I am going to lose him or that he is only with me cause he feels like he has to. Or that he will run off and cheat on me.
Its too damn confusing and I'm so tired of it...
But I cant let him go...